Hurting....
At times like this...I wish...how I just wish there is a pill that i could just take to numb the pain, this pain is really hard to go thru, its like a ghost that just keeps hunting you, sometimes I think maybe I’m just crazy, the clinical type, you know at least there is a definition or explanation of this feeling that I am going through.
I feel like my chest is about to explode and that I have this choking feeling in my throat, I can’t stop the tears they just kept on flowing.....an then slowly my heart is flooded with fear, loneliness, and just pure pain the one that makes just want to end it all.
Sometimes I try to go back with my life and try to analyze every chapter and ask myself, am I really such a bad person, a horrible person to deserve all of this heart ache and pain, or maybe I really did something bad in my past life that I am paying for it in this lifetime.
All my life as I recall it all I have been doing is give....wait....expect....plea and sometimes beg....settle...and while doing this fighting for my life, for my rights.
As a child I was raised to always give way...give way for my sisters, give way for their needs first, I was thought to settle, and be content even if I deserve more or better...but as my Mom always says try to give way.
Growing up I tried so hard to be tough, tough enough that my parents didn’t care cause they know I can make it on my own, with or without their help, I don’t know of its a good thing or not....but in some ways it helped me become stronger....but wounded and scarred.
And now I feel that I’m still in that vicious cycle.
I’m hurting again, in pain...so much pain that as I am typing this I’m chocking up in tears, I had to lock the bedroom door cause I don’t want my daughter to see me like this...i don’t want my children to see how sad I am how lonely and how hurt I am.
Am I really just so wrong, that in everything that I do goes wrong, everything that I touch turns to dust...
All I want is to be happy, be accepted for who I am, be forgiven for my past, be trusted to love and be loved, or even just to love....just let me love you....give me hope.
Sometimes I pray that I could just end it all, cause sometimes I feel tired just really tired, my heart, mind and soul is just really tired...tired of crying myself to sleep, tired of apologising for being me, tired of defending myself, sometimes I just don’t want to wake up anymore...and just drift away in my sleep so that I don’t continue hurting the people I love anymore, because of being me, so that I don’t ruin my children’s lives anymore cause I suck at being a Mom, I don’t hurt the man that I love anymore because of my past and that he’ll have to settle for me. I don’t want them to see how sad, lonely and hurt I am, but sometimes its twice as hard to put up a face, and try to fight back the tears....and it’s so hard cause you don’t have anyone to turn too...but yourself.
I feel like my chest is about to explode and that I have this choking feeling in my throat, I can’t stop the tears they just kept on flowing.....an then slowly my heart is flooded with fear, loneliness, and just pure pain the one that makes just want to end it all.
Sometimes I try to go back with my life and try to analyze every chapter and ask myself, am I really such a bad person, a horrible person to deserve all of this heart ache and pain, or maybe I really did something bad in my past life that I am paying for it in this lifetime.
All my life as I recall it all I have been doing is give....wait....expect....plea and sometimes beg....settle...and while doing this fighting for my life, for my rights.
As a child I was raised to always give way...give way for my sisters, give way for their needs first, I was thought to settle, and be content even if I deserve more or better...but as my Mom always says try to give way.
Growing up I tried so hard to be tough, tough enough that my parents didn’t care cause they know I can make it on my own, with or without their help, I don’t know of its a good thing or not....but in some ways it helped me become stronger....but wounded and scarred.
And now I feel that I’m still in that vicious cycle.
I’m hurting again, in pain...so much pain that as I am typing this I’m chocking up in tears, I had to lock the bedroom door cause I don’t want my daughter to see me like this...i don’t want my children to see how sad I am how lonely and how hurt I am.
Am I really just so wrong, that in everything that I do goes wrong, everything that I touch turns to dust...
All I want is to be happy, be accepted for who I am, be forgiven for my past, be trusted to love and be loved, or even just to love....just let me love you....give me hope.
Sometimes I pray that I could just end it all, cause sometimes I feel tired just really tired, my heart, mind and soul is just really tired...tired of crying myself to sleep, tired of apologising for being me, tired of defending myself, sometimes I just don’t want to wake up anymore...and just drift away in my sleep so that I don’t continue hurting the people I love anymore, because of being me, so that I don’t ruin my children’s lives anymore cause I suck at being a Mom, I don’t hurt the man that I love anymore because of my past and that he’ll have to settle for me. I don’t want them to see how sad, lonely and hurt I am, but sometimes its twice as hard to put up a face, and try to fight back the tears....and it’s so hard cause you don’t have anyone to turn too...but yourself.
posted by tsynita at
1:23 AM
1 Comments:
tina...everything alright?
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