Fast forward to NOW!

I've meant to blog.....but certain things happened in my life which has prevented me from releasing any conducive statements, I have been in the past months (almost a year now) in a rut!... sad as it may sound I had nothing good or grate to say about my life or anything round me right now.....and neither do I want to go online and just rant about how crappy my life is right now (OK that's an exaggeration but its my chi is totally out of whack right now!)

I Just pray and hope that next year would be different, not just for me but for all of us....!

I know next time will be better! :)

I DO NOT LOVE "YOU"!

You asked me, If I Love you now! my answer unto thee is...

No! I do not Love you....
But I do love the way you touch me,
the way your hands feel in my skin when you hold me...

I love the way you kiss me, how your lips feels unto mine,
how i can feel the intensity of every kiss in my mouth...as your sweet tongue
caresses mine.

I love the way you make love with me...how your every move
makes me feel so good inside...that every moment we share,
I do not want to end.

I love the sound of your voice, and when it calls my name...
I love the way you laugh... knowing that I made you happy...

for all of this I love about you....
But "Love" is a word that's been used
and often times abused by many...

to guise their longing, wanting and lust for another...
that is why people should be cautious in using this four letter words...

Love is a word that can only be used for one reason and one reason alone...
that is to give everything, your identity, your soul your heart to another,
your angst about the future, and your present your laughter and tears.

I love all of this about you...but I do not for the latter...
Therefore my dear I would like to answer you truthfully...

"No..I do not Love You" for now....

My Shadow

Everyone in their lifetime experiences bad incidents at least once,

that bring pain and suffering.

My incidents have become my shadow.

As I grow older, it grows in numbers.

Wherever I go, it is sure to follow.

Haunted of he visions of these incidents pass before my eyes,

causing me to re-live each painful moment.

New tears form remembering all the ones before.

My heart, as well as my body, have suffered in unmeasurable ways.

Pretending to be strong and hide my past and fearing so much...

It happening again

The pain returning

Losing those I care for

Losing my identity

Being alone forever

How will people view me knowing what’s happened?

Will they not want anything to do with me?

Why am I in this position?

What did I do to deserve what I’ve experienced?

Why should I be viewed differently for someone else’s crimes?

So many questions like those enter my mind.

No answers to any...only more questions

A tortured soul still lays hidden, aching to be released from this

anguish.

Playing a great role to hide my true feelings of pain.

My life has changed.

I’ve grown, matured and come to deal.

But alas, that doesn’t mean the last of my pain and suffering for my

heart is broken and mangled.

My past is my shadow and always will be.

My heart will never be whole for the shadow continues to grow,

because bad luck follows this tortured soul.

Can I. Could I?

Can I ever make someone truly happy?

My flaws flow through my veins.

Throughout this imperfect body.

My personality is good but lacks something as always.

All I do is disappoint you when I'm only being me and trying to make

you happy.

I wish I was perfect for you.

Make you happy forever.

Have you fall in love with ME.

The person I am flaws and all.

Learning to Play that....Game!

For the past few days I’ve been feeling under the weather, I guess because of stress or just plain tired, however I’m glad that I’m still able to reserve energy for my family, that the least I could do for them to spend more time with the people who through it all, still never fails to amaze me, in supporting me caring and loving for me even thou there are times that, I take them for granted, which I regret most of the time. I guess with all the studying and research that I’m doing to enrich myself professionally; I should also learn new things for myself “emotionally or even maybe holistically”. One thing I learned about myself is thou I may be good with professional relationships, the other one “NOT so good at all”, for so many times I have flunked in that department. See the problem with emotional relationships is how unpredictable and unstable it is (Just like the inflation rate in this country) and no matter how much you invest, the probability of risk is still higher than the chances of having your investments double, hell or even earn interest. This kind of relationship can never be quantified or measured, it’ just plain and simple a “gamble”. And apparently I’m not that good in plying my cards in that game, for so many times I have failed, lost in dealing with the wrong cards, no matter what. I guess it’s a result as well on how I dealt mine in the past, and with one wrong move, lady luck has left the building.

Coping with friends Help!

Funny when people ask me how I feel, It makes me wonder if they really do feel me, that if I tell them that I’m down and not well, “would they sit down and comfort me” listen to my thoughts and tell me that its gonna be ok, would they stop what they’re doing and spend a couple of minutes or even an hour or two to make me feel that I’m not alone. I’ve had very good friends, unfortunately they all had to go away to leave their own lives, but I know they’re still there, and that with a heartbeat they would come to my side and chat my blues away (You know who you are guys) and I promise I would do the same.

See, one thing I realized as well is as we go older we tend to be more hard headed, that even thou we have the answer staring us already straight in the face, we still tend to ignore the signs and still make the wrong move (damn!) and at the end we pretend that we never saw signs (how Ironic!) I remember a few years back my best friend and I would normally meet for one and one reason alone (Most of the time thou) to counsel each other about our relationships, we had each other as life support whenever that dreadful time comes around, and then no matter how devastating the ending was we were happy to say that we still had each other and that you can have both my shoulders to cry on and that I will cradle you till you cry yourself to sleep. (Kai thank you for doing the same)

I guess I miss my life support, friends who have really cared and stopped to make me feel better for myself, and this I promise no matter what, I’ll be running to your side (equipped with a box of tissue).

What did I learn for myself today?

Investing on relationships: I’m betting chips to friendship for now! Will have to save up for the “other” ;p

My Natural High's Count down!...

Natural High; is feeling of self elevation, a sudden surge of feelings which normally is expressed through excitement of ecstatic comfort....

1. Falling in love.
2. Laughing so hard your face hurts.
3. A hot shower.
4. No lines at the supermarket.
5. A special glance.
6. Getting mail.
7. Taking a drive on a traffic free road.
8. Hearing your favorite song on the radio.
9. Lying in bed listening to the rain outside.
10. Hot towels fresh out of the dryer.
11. Chocolate milkshake (vanilla or strawberry).
12. A bubble bath.
13. Giggling.
14. A good conversation.
15 The beach
16. Finding a 500 or much better 1000 pesos bill in your clothes from the dryer.
17. Laughing at yourself.
18. Looking into their eyes and knowing they Love you
19 Midnight phone calls that last for hours.
20. Running through sprinklers.
21. Laughing for absolutely no reason at all.
22. Having someone tell you that you're beautiful.
23. Laughing at an inside joke with FRIENDS
25. Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you.
26. Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep.
27. Your first kiss (either the very first or with a new partner).
28. Making new friends or spending time with old ones.
29. Playing with a new puppy or kitten.
30. Having someone play with your hair.
31. Sweet dreams.
32. Hot coffee.
33. Road trips with friends.
34. Making eye contact with a cute stranger.
35. Holding hands with someone you care about.
36. Running into an old friend and realizing that some things (good or bad) never change.
37. Watching the _expression on someones face as they open a much desired present from you.
38. Watching the sunrise/sunset.
39. Getting out of bed every morning and being grateful for another beautiful day.
40. Knowing that somebody misses you.
41. Getting a hug from someone you care about deeply.
42. Knowing you've done the right thing, no matter what other people think.

With these....Ive just realized that sometimes you don't need much, just to feel happy and content, there are really indeed simple things in life that can fill your heart with warmth and joy!

Turn A New Leaf

“Turn a New a Leaf” is when you decide to do something different to change your life for the better; turning over a new page ("leaf") in your life and seeing what is on the other side or better said as you turn over a new leaf when you commit to changing your life for the better.
Which I would say is my new move with this blog, it’s been a while since I last visited mine, and probably one of the many reasons would be aside from being busy with the realities I’m facing in my life right now is that it has shown a different side of me, one that I believe should finally be erased and forgotten, thou not completely since this memories should be part of me as lessons learned, and to delete them from this space is me moving on. Thou not completely the reason, what triggered me to do this move is when a good friend told me that the posts showed a different person and not the one he knows now. That the person personified in the said blog was a stranger from who I am now, and with that I revisited some of my early posts……and honestly I did kind of agree, the person talking on those post was so full of anger, hatred and at one point if it wasn’t me I would say pathetic, wallowing at every emotional phase she turns to; and with that I’ve decided to move on and finally exorcise that ghost from the past.
And here I am officially announcing that certain post in this blog will be officially deleted, my that girl rest in peace finally never to rise again to inflict pain and hatred in this new world I am starting to build.
To my dear friends who knew me both in the past and present, I am proud to present to you a new chapter where we would continue to share laughter’s and our up’s and down’s but hopefully not much of the latter. Thank you for those who have stuck with me all this years and understanding me for what I am, and loved me in spite of my shortcomings, my dear you know who all of you are.
Until then…

Arrivedercci…..Au Revoir…..Aufwiedersehen

Friends For Keeps "Thanks For Adding colors in my Rainbow"